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Optimism: Does my boob look any better, except for the parts that look worse?

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I’m an optimist in spirit. My intellect is a realist, even a pessimist, but I choose to override it with hope. I look for the silver lining in the darkest storm cloud and seek to make the best of every tough situation I encounter. Don’t get me wrong. I freak out and despair and imagine the worst. I conjure terrifying scenarios in less than a millisecond. I have to claw my way out of imagined perceived and potential horrors. In the end, hope prevails. It’s like a parachute or imaginary wings.

I’ve developed a morning ritual. I have about thirty seconds when I first wake up before the realization of pain kicks in. In those thirty seconds, I wonder groggily, “What if the lump is gone? What if this granulomatous mastitis has disappeared overnight, just as it appeared overnight? What if I check and find that my left boob is completely back to normal? As soon as I move to check it, I become aware of the strength of the pain and beg my dear hubby for the pain meds.

When the meds kick in, we take the daily “disease progress photograph” to document the changes. John even created a folder, which I dubbed “sick tittie pics.” I figure these pictures are helpful to the doctors who treat me. Did I mention that I’m naturally shy? Oh, the irony! If I had wanted to take daily topless pictures, I would have become a calendar girl. At least that would have been fun and possibly lucrative. John usually winces and says, “Ouch. That looks awful!” Thanks, honey.

So, last week, two days after I had the prednisolone injection, I asked him, “Does my boob look any better, except for the parts that look worse?” The answer was, “No. Not really. The soft-tissue swelling is down, but now you can really see what’s in there.” At least the reduced soft-tissue swelling took the edge off the pain. Bright side. Bright side.

Are there perks to this disease? No. I can’t say that there are any. Well, maybe I can find one. I’ve lost almost four kilos since this started. I’m down to 53 kilos, which is just fine for my 153 cm height. Then again, it would have been nicer to lose the weight through exercise. Constant nausea and reduced appetite are a side effect of the medications and a result of the pain. As long as I don’t dip below 50 kilos, I’ll be calm. I like to have (lean) meat on my bones. It keeps me warm in this cold climate.

I’m feeling optimistic now. I get to see the Boob Doc tomorrow. A solution is right around the corner. I’m going to get rid of this incredibly irritating granulomatous mastitis, and I’m going to be nice and svelte when this is over. My body will recover, and I’ll be able to exercise again, so my newly trim figure will be taut and strong. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even decide to be a calendar girl!


About A.K.

I am: dreamer, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, writer, reader, musician, artist, teacher, translator. I am a citizen of the world. These nations are my home: Denmark, Ecuador, USA, Canada, France and Germany. I believe the purpose of life is to love, laugh and learn. I am over being upset for getting this very rare disease: Idiopathic Granulomatous Mastitis. Forgetting all the pain and havoc is tempting, but I will honor the lessons it brought and release my resentment. This blog is my way of coping and reaching out to others who may be going through similarly unfair and bewildering experiences.

9 responses »

  1. Beautiful, thank you. I’ll be thinking of you at the doctors tomorrow 🙂

  2. Ma Dolores Pallares

    AK, big kisses to you !! you are a wonderfully strong, intelligent and brave woman. I am sure it will be over soon and you will look back and smile with triumph. Thinking of you and sending you all the possitive energy!!

  3. Me encantó el blog, es un hermoso, y a la vez doloroso, testomonio de algo que yo desconocía. Me gustaría, de ser posible, que lo traduzcas al español, lo que ayudaría a mucha gente que no habla inglés. Mi admiración por ti es cada día más profunda. Te quiero mucho.

  4. Lisbet Thobo-Carlsen

    I had no idea this was going on with you, Ana Karina. My prayers are with you and I am sending you a lot of positive thoughts and hugs. You are so strong and I admire the way you are taking this. Blessings and feel better.

  5. AK – Please take care of yourself. I would like to subscribe to your blog so I can read it every day. If you have a wordpress account, you can go on the dashboard and change the format so you can add “subscribe” to your blog site. I did that for my blog and it made a difference for the people who wanted to read it. When a person subscribes to a blog, posts are emailed. You are in my thougths.

    • Hi Amanda. I couldn’t find the “subscribe” function you describe. I do know that if you click on “Follow,” you can follow this blog. I get email updates from your blog, and I can’t remember if I subscribed or followed. I’ll keep trying to figure this out, though. Thanks for reading!


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